I Got High and Went Grocery Shopping: A Love Letter and a Warning

Photo by Megan Ruth

I saw God in the chip aisle and forgot why I came.

Let me start by saying this: going to the grocery store high is an experience. A spiritual journey. A psychedelic side quest. A lesson in humility, hunger, and overspending. It’s also, without a doubt, one of the most dangerous things you can do with a debit card.

This is my love letter to the stoner grocery trip—and also my official warning.

Phase 1: The Entrance – Euphoric Delusion

You walk in baked, heart full, eyes red. You’re vibing. The automatic doors whoosh open like you’re entering a dream sequence. “This is gonna be fun,” you whisper to yourself, like a fool.

You grab a cart. It squeaks like it’s haunted. You don’t care. You’re in love with humanity. You're overwhelmed with gratitude for bananas.

Phase 2: Sensory Overload

Suddenly, you remember how bright grocery stores are. The lights are giving airport terminal. There are way too many types of yogurt. You spend 15 minutes in front of the granola bars trying to decode what “ancient grains” even are. They start to sound like a conspiracy.

You make eye contact with a toddler in the frozen food aisle and feel judged.

Phase 3: The Cart Spiral

This is where it gets dangerous. You start putting everything that’s ever sounded good into the cart. You’re not hungry—you’re existentially fascinated by food.

• Three different types of frozen fries? Necessary.

• Pickles stuffed with cheese? Sure.

• Marshmallow cereal “for emergencies”? Add to cart.

• Vegan sushi you will forget in your fridge until it rots? Say less.

• Ten-dollar cold-pressed juice you’ll drink once and hate? Absolutely.

  
  

You completely forget what you actually came for. Milk? Bread? Toothpaste? Gone. You’re now on a spiritual quest to find the best gummy candy ever created.

Phase 4: Time Warp at Self-Checkout

Time is no longer linear. You’re at self-checkout and it's taking 20 minutes to scan six things because you're focused on the way your hand moves. The machine keeps yelling “PLEASE PLACE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA” like you're being scolded by a robot overlord.

You start sweating. You contemplate leaving it all behind and running into the night.

Phase 5: The Financial Reckoning

You finally leave. Your total is $82.63 and you only bought snacks. There’s no dinner in sight. No vegetables. You went in for eggs and came out with a bottle of fancy water and a 3-pack of novelty Pop-Tarts.

You sit in your car, open a bag of chips, and accept that you’ll never financially recover from this trip.

Final Puff

Getting high and going grocery shopping is beautiful, dangerous, hilarious, and deeply human. It’s the kind of chaos that reminds you you’re alive—and also that you should’ve made a list.

So this is your official reminder:

• Smoke responsibly.

• Make a plan.

• And maybe... don't shop stoned without a handler.

  
  

But also? 10/10 would do it again.